dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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