BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
