so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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