Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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