it's not cheating when I paid for it
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
