I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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