i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
