this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
