i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
