I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
