Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize