Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
