Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
