Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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