If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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