Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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