i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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