I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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