Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You ate ashes out of my bong
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
