btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
