and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
