i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
