it hurts more in the daytime
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Michael Bay diarrhea
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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