Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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