My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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