i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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