I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
