You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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