What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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