my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize