watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize