I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
