my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
