I think my fart just growled at me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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