I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
