Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
