The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
