i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize