So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
