She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
