toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize