ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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