There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
