She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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