I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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