$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
