i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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