its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
