TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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