I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
