ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
