Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
