I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
