i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
