Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize