Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
