I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
