Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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