So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
