I'm gonna have a badass scar
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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