i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
