he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
