Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
