Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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