i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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