I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
