i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
